All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
