I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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