You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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