Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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