i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
