That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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