I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize