This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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