I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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