the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
