Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
