Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
