The maid of honor just puked.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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