I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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