Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize