Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
