two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She needs sedatives and a leash
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
