Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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