Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
