Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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