i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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