he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize