you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
