Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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