This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize