There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
