Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
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