apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
