6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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