Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
