i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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