Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
