Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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