last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
