Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
