Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I can't turn off my feet"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
