I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she pinky promised me she was 18
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
