Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
