one might say we're banned from that church
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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