So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
