It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
