the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
