I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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