I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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