I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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