If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I am one with the molecules
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
