your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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