How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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