i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
