I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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