I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Randomize
