my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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