I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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