The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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