So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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