Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I still have a little drunk in my system
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
