2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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