Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
