Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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