My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
