i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Randomize
