You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
