we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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