Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She's the barista slut.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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