his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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